Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Hubby Says (or reasons I laugh daily)

Before I married who is now my husband, I thought I was a pretty funny lady.  Not like slap your knee, gasp for air funny, but I always considered myself to have a good sense of humor.  It wasn't until I met my hubs that I realized I, in fact, am not the wittiest person ever.  So, today I give you the best of the best from the vault of Hubby Sayings (or at least the ones I can remember).  In no particular order of hilarity.  Enjoy.

Hubs' response to me worrying about Carolina beating Alabama, few years ago:
"If the Nerds can defeat Alpha Beta, if Daniel-san can defeat Johnny Lawrence, if Rocky can defeat Drago, and if the Goonies can defeat the Fratellis... you guys will be fine."  (he was right by the way, SC killed Alabama that year).

Me to hubby: "What's it like to be tall like you?  I wish I were taller."
Hubs: "Oh, you wouldn't want to see the things I see up here."

Me:  "If you could have a different name what would it-"
Hubs interupts: "Zack Morris Houston."

In traffic one day, slighty ticked off, and very much strangling the wheel:
"Freaknik, Dogwood Festival, Sweetwater 420 Fest, and the Braves and Hawks both at home.  Get me OUUUUUUUT of this city!"

One day, trying to park at the always ridiculous Lenox, pedestrian runs out in front of our car, only to slow to a speed of snail, wearing an Ed Hardy shirt:
"Oh, no, you go right ahead sir.  Wouldn't want to hit you in that shirt, it's worth more than my car."

Me, asking about his high school mascot:
"Bearcat, that's like a mountain lion or something?"
Hubs, appalled, "Um, it's much fiercer."

Hubs bought a crabcake from Kroger, ate it, and gags out "Ugh, if I were that crab, I'd be embarrassed."

And this one from the sleep-talking files:
Hubs rolled over in a dream-like state early one morning, slurred through a sleep coma "Captain Planet really was a hero", rolled over again, and back to dreamland he went.  He swears this didn't happen.  I promise you- it did. (gonna take pollution down to zero....)

And this one from the hubby-haircut files:
Hubs hair is thick and requires a cut about every 2.5 weeks, hence the nickname news-anchor-hair.
Me: "You get a haircut yet?"
Hubs:  "No, I'm live at 6 tonight.  Barometric pressure, a local school getting new computers, upcoming roadwork on 285, and a water skiing squirrel.  You know, local news kinda stuff."

And then there is this one.  Quite possibly the most in depth conversation ever had surrounding the hit 90's show Saved by the Bell.  Yes, this is my marriage.  A summary:
Bayside High- public or private?  Our conclusion- public. For three reasons.  1) Kelly Kapowski attends (see prom episode, dad loses job, Kel's forced to bring in waitress money to save the family).  2)  Slack security.  No way Valley's on-campus pranks would be successful in a private setting.  And, 3) Zack and the 1502.  Last time I checked, that's not a possible score.  Obviously a public high school error.

Followed by a later email from hubs:
"I haven't been able to let this go.  Bayside must be public.  Private school wouldn't have its prom in the gym.  Also wouldn't have such low-rent talent as Jesse and Slater supply the entertainment.  Furthermore, NBC would probably choose a public school to host Johnny Dakota's PSA about drug use.  Private schools tend to have more pot-smokers.  Third, look at the A/V resources at Bayside.  They manage to provide equipment to film commercials for Buddy Bands and Zack's run at Student Council prez, but when the video camera gets busted, the gang has to trick an undercover Air Force agent into thinking Screech is an alien to scratch out the cash for a replacement.  Finally, Slater is the only one that has a car.  That means the others have to take a bus or get a ride somewhere.  Considering they're always visiting each others' houses, they must live within walking distance.  May be a stereotype, but private schools usually draw students from all over the place... and they usually have cars."

And, finally, here are the most recent emails I received from hubs, filled with his angry thoughts on Karate Kid and Wheel of Fortune.  Yes, these are things he gets upset about.  God bless him.

"The yellow car Daniel chooses from Miyagi's lot is a pansy-mobile.  I know they're different in southern California, but when Ali (with an i) sees him cruising around Golf 'n Stuff, do you really think she would be blown away by this macho muscle machine convertible that was painted with leftovers from a kid's nursery?  Daniel already has a 98 lb weakling image problem after getting pummeled by Johnny and the Cobra-Kais.  Any other car would've been better.  The local hooligans in Reseda would have that lemon covered in graffiti the first night he parked it at that crappy apartment complex.

And, I know we've covered this before, but really Ms. Laruso?  You move across country for a job in waitressing because you'll never make that kind of money in computers?"

"The Wheel is totally bogus.  As someone who attended tryouts once at Turner Field, I can confirm that all they care about is getting contestants that will clap like morons and smile even when they Lose a Turn or land on Bankrupt.  Merv Griffin does not care about recruiting the best talent to compete.  I consider myself a Wheel of Fortune purist.  Just give me 1 chance Merv.  I'll make you proud.

And, why are people buying a bunch of vowels? It just costs them money and shows more of the board to the other 2 players.  You've got 1 thirty-minute segment of your life to rack up all the prizes and cash possible, and you want to spend 200 bucks for an 'E' because you know one word is 'THE'?  Bush league."

Hope this brought you some laughs today.  (and possibly a new mindset on 80's and 90's television?)  


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